Jeff Allen on Life

On Teenagers:

I believe teenagers are God's revenge of mankind. It's as if God himself looked down and said: "Hey, let's see how they like it to create someone in their own image who denies their existence." Because I have looked, nowhere in the Bible does it state how old Satan was when he rejected God's Authority. My guess, he'd be 18.

On Marriage:

I've learned one thing in the last 23 years of marriage, this is it: "Happy wife, happy life."

And if you're married, you already knew that. And if you're not married, boy, you better write it down. And not on a napkin, you get a stone tablet and a chisel jack! My father took me aside on my wedding day. He sat me down, looked me in the eye and he said, "I have only one piece of marital advice for you. Before you argue with your new wife, and believe me, you're gonna argue with her. Before you do I want you to stop and ask yourself two questions: Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?" And then he broke down an sobbed right in front of me.

It's pathetic! And I had no idea what that man was talking about. 23 years later, I can tell ya: I'm a happy, happy, happy man. I ain't been right in 12 years. Sometimes I have to ask my wife, "Am I happy?" "Oh you better believe your happy!" "Okay. Just checkin' with ya buttercup." Call up my buddies up, "I can't go golfing, but I'm a happy, happy, happy man."

On Communication:

You gotta communicate! Like my wife says: "Commuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunicate." But you have to learn how your spouse communicates. It took me two years of marriage to figure out that my wife will never tell me to do anything around our home. If she wants me to do something, she'll ask me a question. From the question, I gotta stand there and figure out what it is she wants me to do.

Simple example: Say I leave a pair of my underwear on the middle of the bedroom floor, which just frosts my wife. That's he favorite word, "Oh that just frosts me." If I'm not frosting her, I'm driving her up a wall, that's another one. Kids will come in, "Where's mom?" "She's up the wall with frostbite, that's all I know. And you won't believe what put her there son, it was that pair of underwear on the middle of the bedroom floor. You are looking at the most powerful pair of underwear known to mankind! They not only defy gravity, but they change temperatures..... And they're mine."

So I leave my drawers in the middle of the room. Now, would she come to me and say to me, "Pick those up." THREE WORDS! "Pick. Those. Up." Would she say them? No! Because that would be simple, direct, and right to the point. And at that moment, I, her husband, would know exactly what she wants from me. I could process the information and make a rational decision as to whether or not I could deliver that request. At that moment, we would be communicating at the highest human level, the way God intended it: through language. My wife will look at me, look at my underwear, and then ask me, "Are those yours?" "Well I hope they are, or I've got a few questions of my own!"